@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

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@MagentaPapi

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

@SondraDeeMe

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

@Book_Krazy

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

@Tipocazzuto

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

@4ndbest

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Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

@haze103

A couple who are silly together stay together.

@zachary_lampley

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@iAmDelFreaky

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.