*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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pat pat
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
thank god
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page