Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.