QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
i baked you a cake
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”