Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah