Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.