Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.