R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”