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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
23. the denim jacket
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
how to have an accident 101
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.