R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.


Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.


whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.


Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help


Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond


Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’


MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right


Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is


One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.