@meganamram
@DartsBofficial Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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@DartsBofficial 
@Willie1derful The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
@ItsAndyRyan Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
@heroofthehour whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
@noog Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
@weinerdog4life Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
@botandy Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
@jwblvd MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
@fro_vo Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
@badbanana One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.