R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry