R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me


i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”


How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it


drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother


running feels great unless you compare it to not running


Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.


What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.