@meganamram

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

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@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@Tobi_Is_Fab

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@farahmynaf

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@fuzzlime

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

@BDGarp

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

@Ivsy01

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.