R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Lol
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it