R.I.P.
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Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder