r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
You Might Also Like
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
wishing you and yours all the best
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”