Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies