Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If a snake ate a cake
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
road rage
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
May have had one breakfast too many
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five