@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

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@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@BrooksErrDay584

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@noog

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?