Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back