@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

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@Home_Halfway

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@jonnysun

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

@steph_mcca

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

@Mandiatrandom1

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

@david8hughes

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@Book_Krazy

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had