Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.


It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors


Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.


*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas


Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”


QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?