@markydoodoo Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
@DurtMcHurtt Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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@markydoodoo 
@ceejoyner Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
@pixelatedboat It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
@felixoshea Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
@PimpBillClinton Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
@BrooksErrDay584 *1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
@hardasamother Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
@david8hughes Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
@noog Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
@TheToddWilliams [sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?