Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.