“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M