Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.