RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You Might Also Like
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
me and the Superbowl rn
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.