Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
cats when you pet them too long:
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
A family that plays together cheats.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.