Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
the composer
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.