*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
You Might Also Like
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My plans: 2020:
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today