Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’M CRYINGGG
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.