Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
how high up are we talkin’?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.