Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me