Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
adding to the discourse
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing