@Dad_At_Law

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

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@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

@JamieGreenlees

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@spacegirl4win

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

@ilovepie84

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?