Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?


[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on


[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”


Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.


If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money


Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma


Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.


I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?