Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.


Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.


Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.


My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.


ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no


Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”


My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.