Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Is this a threat?