*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.