Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Genius.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
