Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Wise advice
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?