*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
very niche meme I made
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
yes, those are my real potatoes.