Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
You Might Also Like
The USS B port
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave