Raisins are grape jerky.
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.