Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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BRO LMFAO
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
rapatouille
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza