Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.