Rambo Rambow
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.