@CoatCzech

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

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@Parentpains

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

@OwensDamien

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

@lost__at_sea

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

@_wangwe

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

@Cpin42

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

@JediGigi

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?