@CoatCzech

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

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@noog

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

@Schindizzle

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@Marlebean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@DzNuutz

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.