“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes


‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’


ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems


Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist


*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”


Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.


I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.


Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”


Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?