“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.


My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.


If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.


I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working


Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.


Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.


Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.