“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.