@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

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@_elvishpresley_

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@mommeh_dearest

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

@PanettaSexyTime

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@DrPStewart

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

@unravelingfire

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God