Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Looking at you, Jesus.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…