Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
giddy up Office Depot
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”