Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.