Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Stonehinge
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts