random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.