Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
No way!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
The game has officially changed 😎
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
crochet youtube is brutal
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.