Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Breaking news:
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
This bar smells like my childhood.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.