Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*