*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You Might Also Like
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”