*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
…żyje?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.