Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead