Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.